Project Mayhem

Before I start my rant, let me check something first . Okay, I’m back, just making sure we don’t have these guys as a client …

Hey, United, I got your friendly skies right here - you suck! In fact, all major domestic airlines suck. (Unless, of course, you happen to be reading this and you’re a CMO for a major domestic airline. In that case, all domestic airlines suck, except yours. You need PR, though, and we can help you.)

Here I am sitting at San Francisco airport. It’s 9:45 p.m. United flight 249 was supposed to leave at 7 p.m. It’s been delayed three times. No worries, though, the United Customer Service desk was well equipped to handle the crush of 40 tired, bedraggled and desperate passengers (from five delayed flights) who scrambled to catch connecting flights or simply tried to get a flight - any flight - out of SFO. Yes, United Customer Service was all over it, man, they were prepared. This was their moment to shine and they were ready to rock. They had everything in complete combat ready. They had all the necessary communication tools at their disposal. They had . Anthony. Yes, Anthony, one meager, none-too-concerned customer service guy handling all of us.

After an hour wait, I finally reached Anthony. “One question,” I snapped, sarcastically. “Is flight 249 going to leave here by Saturday?” (It was Thursday.) He didn’t miss a beat. “Oh, definitely,” he said, with a degree of cuteness. “Good,” I said. “Now, is it going to leave tonight?” He studied me for a moment, gauging my willingness to play, “Darn,” he deadpanned, “The questions tonight just keep on getting tougher.” His gauge was clearly off. It wasn’t funny. I didn’t laugh. I didn’t respond. I stared. My jaw clenched. Perhaps he was picking up on the conversation going on in my head - the one that involved me weighing the consequences of leaping, Ninja-style, over the counter and crushing his windpipe with a wicked strike to the throat - he quickly recovered. “I’ll put you on the 9 o’clock, sir. It’s definitely leaving on time,” he said, professionally, tapping away at the computer keys. “That’s what you said about the 7 o’clock . and the 8 o’clock,” I shot back. “It’ll leave at 9,” he said, presenting me my new ticket and pointing, “Gate 78, sir.”

I reached gate 78 where the screen above the counter declared boldly: “Flight 805: Boarding in 17 Minutes.” So far, so good. I waited and watched as the screen continued to change: “Boarding in 15 minutes,” “Boarding in 10 minutes,” and so on. Then, at “Boarding in five minutes,” I decided to take a peak outside the window - know what I saw? C’mon, guess… Wait for it . waaiiittt for it . I saw … nothing. There wasn’t even a plane at the gate. United Airlines was playing bluff poker with 250 passengers and all of us had gone all-in and lost.

Okay, so, as I was told, the weather is always a problem when flying out of SFO; okay, flights get backed up; okay mechanical problems are unfortunate but a reality; and . Fine. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. So, here’s a novel idea: At an airport (and with an airline) where delayed flights are as common as bacteria, come up with something to help passengers past the time while they wait. Here are just a few I came up with while I waited . for two more hours:

· Instead of the screen above the desk simply flashing the name of the destination city and the departure time (which, as this story illustrates, never leaves on time anyway), why not flash Keno numbers? Then, instead of reporting to friends that, “I was stranded at San Francisco Airport for four hours last night and it was a disaster,” you could be saying, “I was stranded at San Francisco Airport for four hours last night, but I won $300!”

· Or, how about a partnership with e-harmony? That’s right, up on the screen comes the photo and pithy bio of a woman who’s stranded at the same gate as you. She likes long walks in the park, Italian food and horror movies. Her email address is provided and anyone can ping her right there and go chat with her while you both wait. Then, when you report to friends, you say, “I was stranded at San Francisco Airport for four hours last night, but I met somebody pretty cool.” (I haven’t figured out how to handle the creepy guy with a comb-over issue, but give me a break, I’m brainstorming here.)

· Or, what about passengers who have an expertise in an interesting field - a top chef, a renowned fitness expert, a Nobel Peace Prize winner (don’t laugh, there was one on my flight). They could sign up to give mini-seminars in a section of the airport while people wait. Maybe they get a discount or something whenever they are required to conduct the class.

The point is, there are a million things airlines could do to make waiting a little more bearable for A.D.D.-stricken passengers like me. They just aren’t applying the creative energy to figure it out. And that’s why friendly skies aren’t so friendly anymore.