Customer Service? Hell.
Here’s a simple idea for the millions of companies out there searching for new ways to improve customer service: Have someone answer the phone. Not something, someone.
The push-button purgatory customers are relegated to these days is so infuriating, it borders on cruel and unusual punishment. Perhaps a provision should be added to our 8th amendment right: No person shall be subject to cruel and unusual punishment or extensive and/or extraordinary push-button phone webs.
I called India yesterday, well, technically, it was my health insurance company, but I was routed to
India. I had a simple question regarding my policy: had it been renewed? The date on my old card was past the expiration, but I had not received a new card. Upon dialing the “Customer Service” number of the back of the card, I was stunned but extremely pleased to hear a living, breathing human answer the phone – and on the third ring! That was until I realized I had called the wrong department:
“Mental abuse hotline,” said the person on the other end.
“Oh, I, uh, was just checking to see if my insurance had been renewed or not,” I stumbled. “You see, on the expiration date on my card,” the voice interrupted me.
“Excuse me, sir, said the measured tone. “Are you thinking of committing suicide?”
“No, heck no,” I said. “I was just checking to see if my card was…”
“Sir, I think you dialed the 800 number on the back of your card, you need to dial the number on the front of the card – that’s our Customer Service department.”
“Oh, thank you,” I said, embarrassed. “Uhhhh,” I hesitated. “Can you, uh, transfer me?”
“No, I’m sorry, sir, I don’t have that capability here, this is strictly for patients with serious issues who have immediate needs.”
I thought for a moment that I qualified, if I didn’t make sure my card was renewed, I could be out some serious bucks. I decided not to press the issue and thanked my suicide prevention friend.
Upon calling the customer Service number, I was offered seven — yes, seven — prompts, including the first one that says, “Please listen to all the menu items because some of our menu options have changed.” Why can’t the menus just stay the same like they do at McDonald’s? That’s probably because most companies have wised up to the fact that people always push “Zero” in the off-chance of getting an operator without having to sift through all the menu items . Now companies tuck the operator number somewhere among the seven prompts.
I listened to all seven prompts and, no surprise, not one of them said, “If you’re not sure if your card has been renewed, please press…” That would have been too easy. I tried pressing number three on a whim. I again had to enter my account number before proceeding. Five minutes later, I was trapped in phone-web hell with a looping prompt that suggested I “press five for more help.” I pressed five, which took me back to, “Please listen to all the menu items because some of our menu options have changed.”
I began pushing random buttons while cursing at the inanimate voice on the other end. “Of course you don’t recognize that prompt you F’n moron,” I ranted. “That’s because you’re a pre-recorded ass-message.” I continued to rant against the monotone message until I was out of breath. It was reminiscent of a scene from “2001: A Space Odyssey:”
Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Dave Bowman: What’s the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave Bowman: I don’t know what you’re talking about, HAL?
HAL: I know you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave Bowman: What are you talking about, HAL?
After “testing” each menu-option number, I finally found a prompt that said, “For all other questions press…” That’s me!! Yes! I was then transferred to a “customer service representative who would assist you with your question.” After listening to muzak for another minute or two, I was finally transferred. Hallelujah, I had survived! I had outlasted the prompt-asorous, the automated monster, I had beaten Hal!!!
“Hello,” said the friendly voice.
“Hi,” I replied exasperated. “I was just calling…”
‘Due the Memorial Day Holiday, the Customer Service Department you have reached is closed. Please call back during normal working hours between the times of…”
I wanted to cry. I wave of anger, frustration and helplessness came over me. I turned the card over and dialed. The operator picked it up on the first ring.
“Mental abuse hotline, may I help you?”
“Yes, I replied. “It’s good to finally talk to someone.”