Project Mayhem

With the Super Bowl just days away, it’s time to point the creative spotlight on the NFL, specifically, whoever is in charge of coming up with some of the most mundane, mediocre team names in sports. I mean, c’mon, what’s a “Brown?” I don’t even think Cleveland knows because they couldn’t even come up with a logo for it! What’s worse is they actually came up with that name following a newspaper contest where the person submitting the winning name won $1,000! (And that was in 1945!) The name comes from the coach of the Browns at the time, Paul Brown. Can the “Trumps” be far behind?
And what about the Dolphins? The Dolphins?? Are you kidding me — man’s loving best friend of the sea? I guess “Mermaids” was already taken. The Florida Mermaids. Dolphins aren’t deadly – unless, of course, the Navy has them towing a magnetized explosive. I’ll bet a baby seal could kick a Dolphin’s butt.

Next on the what-were-you-thinking roster: the New Orleans Saints. Run for your lives! Save the women and children! Cower in Fear! The Saints are coming, the Saints are coming! I just don’t feel it. And, if it’s possible, they actually beat out the Browns for the Worst Helmet-Logo Award. The logo is called a “Fleur de Lis. It’s not bad enough that it’s French (Have they ever won a war? Or, been in one?), but the emblem stands for “flower of the lily.” A flower!? That’s worse than the Browns’ helmet logo … AND THEY DON’T HAVE ONE!

You are in the woods. You are alone. You hear a fierce rustling from the brush. Your heart pounds, your knees weaken. You would run, but you can’t. Your legs have abandoned you. Then, suddenly, it appears, the most wicked beast of the forest: it’s … it’s … it’s aggghhhhh … a cardinal. Eagles, okay. Falcons, you bet. Seahawks, sure. Ravens … okay, but you’re pushing it. But, Cardinals???!!! Hell no. What, are they going to chirp you to death; blind you with their bright red coloring? (At least Ravens are a menacing black.) Make no mistake, cardinal is nothing but a red dove.

On the other hand, some NFL teams got it right: Chicago Bears, Jacksonville Jaguars, Carolina Panthers, Oakland Raiders, Detroit Lions, Titans, Giants … Okay. The Baddest-Ass Name Award, however, goes to the Vikings. Viking were vicious, take-no-prisoners (unless for slaves) warriors .. Barbarians. Killers. If they wanted something, they took it … like a championship. Makes sense. My creative hat’s off to you.

Colts, 49ers, Packers, Bills … you’re officially on name probation. Add Cowboys to that, since I can’t help picturing that dude in chaps I saw in the West Hollywood Gay Parade.

And, what about the States or cities that don’t have their own teams? Since I have no life, eschewing all political correctness, I decided to come up with names that would work and names that wouldn’t to illustrate how carefully one must choose an NFL name:

Good Names:
Boston Stranglers
Los Angeles Crips
Las Vegas Mobsters
Montana Unibombers
Rhode Island Psychos (based on an ex-girlfriend)

Bad Names:
New Hampshire Primaries
Maine Lobsters
Virginia Wolves
Des Moines Des Stroyers
Miami Sr. Citizens

Feel free to add your own.